"Carl"-Works By Women 2011

Lena Ryan

“Carl”

V.3

CAST

SUE-late 30’s-Megan’s mother/frustrated with being a newly divorced parent.

MEGAN-9 ½-younger Meg/bright/opinionated

MEG-29-Street smart/bitter/a bit of a mess with a little heart still left.

(SUE stands outside of MEGAN’s door knocking on it)

SUE

Megan! No locked doors in this house. Let me in.

MEGAN

Leave me alone! I only want dad.

                                                            

               SUE                
Well, he lives 20 minutes away now. (beat) You can’t shut me out forever.  

                                                         

                                                                        MEGAN 

Well, I am! With two doors! My mind one and this wood one!

SUE

I wish you were a little older..

MEGAN

OH! I wish I was older! If I was older…(crying, squeezing Carl, a stuffed lemur) Carl, I pray to be older. I don’t want to live with mom. I want to be with dad or completely alone! Like Kevin McAllister!

SUE

Megs? Are you praying to that stuffed lemur again?

MEGAN

LEAVE US ALONE!

(SUE touches door and leaves. The light goes out on her. MEGAN turns off light to sleep. A couple moments later a crash is heard. MEGAN turns light on rapidly, very afraid.)

                           

 MEGS

(shielding her eyes) Hey! Turn that off. (looking around, notices MEGAN) Oh my God, you are way too young for my roommate to be bringing home.

                                                               

MEGAN 

Are you going to kidnap me!?

                               MEGS
What?  No! Chicks don’t even do that! (beat)Wait. Who are you? Why..are we in my childhood bedroom?

MEGAN

This is my bedroom!

MEGS

(looks around room) No, no--- (notices calendar)—my calendar?--- August 1991. Marina Thompson’s slumber party is circled. (getting upset) UGH! This is why you don’t put rum in your Frutista Freeze on a Tuesday night!

MEGAN

(looks at CARL, scared)…  I prayed to my lemur… to make me older!

MEGS

Oh god. Maybe I’m dead. And my childhood is my hell.

MEGAN

MEGS is looking around the room panicky, scolding the lemus) Carl, what did you do? I wanted to be older not send me from the future! You have to pay attention!

  

  MEGS 

Oh, Carl the lemur… God, I was a lame 9 year old.

(MEGS pulls out a cigarette and lights it)

MEGAN

That’s so bad for you!

MEGS

Yeah? I need it. (calming down by smoking) And what’s bad is that crocheted scrunchie and that neon yellow sleep shirt.

MEGAN

Hey older me... or whatever! I get bullied enough at school. Especially now that Mom is crying everywhere about divorce stuff. Tyler Sanders is telling everyone at school how he saw Mom at Jewel crying and --

MEGS

Tell Tyler Sanders he’s going to be working at Jiffy Lube.

MEGAN

Fine. Tell future mom that I still hate her.

MEGS

Hate to break it to you but I’m the future and I don’t hate mom in the future and I never hated mom in the..past—(realization)Oh oh, maybe I did. (beat) Hey- don’t hate mom.. I guess I should also tell you not to hate dad but--

MEGAN

No way! I don’t hate dad! A month ago, he took me miniature golfing and his girlfriend, Kristy, took me to get my first pedicure--and

MEGS

Oh lord. Kristy— that patron saint with her halo of permed rat’s nest?  

MEGAN

Don’t say that about Kristy! She’s going to get diplomas and she wears blush and she says “live life to the fullest”!

MEGS

UGH! She’s like, geez.. 23 in 91? Sure! That’s how 23 year old’s are! They’re in-sufferable! And dad left mom and you/us for Kristy..so she---oh, back it up. (shuts mouth with her hand over it)

MEGAN

What did you say?

MEGS

Nothing.

MEGAN

Dad left mom for Kristy?

MEGS

Michelle Tanner would say, “You Got It, Dude.”

MEGAN

(sits on bed hugging Carl) I’m too old for Full House.

MEGS

Nooo, you’ll watch it for years. But then all for Uncle Jesse reasons.

(MEGS sees MEGAN upset)

Hey, I’m sorry…hey! Maybe I could kidnap you! My roommates did let me have a cat--

(MEGAN is still quiet holding Carl)

You know what we should do. Pray to our beady eyed friend again.

(MEGAN looks at MEGS skeptically)

Come on! It worked once before. Kind of. He now has a better track record answering prayers than Jesus!

MEGAN

(sighs) Alright.

MEGS

Pray for something fun. You’re the lucky one.

MEGAN

It’s not luck. It’s faith in Carl.

                               MEGS

You have faith in a stuffed lemur made in Malaysia. But not mom?(sees MEGAN’s face drop) OK- no life lessons.

MEGAN

(shuts her eyes. MEGS follows) Carl, thank you for listening, even if it was half-way.(MEGS smiles) Please grant us another prayer. I pray for a Magic 8 Ball to take to Marina’s slumber party.

MEGS

(still with eyes shut) Get me something too!

MEGAN

And Carl, please send Megan Uncle Jesse.

(BLACKOUT)